future fodder

things I'd like to write about in the future:

10 (or 100) things that I will never do... just to release that pressure and expectation

Poland... blog my thoughts on planning my trip to Easter Europe in the fall.

Discipline... how I don't exhibit it in my work life and what I can do to approximate it/develop better habits. no, sports aren't the answer.

11:23 a.m. 2005-06-24

do something

I don't even know what I'm doing... there's a ton of work to be done here, and I flit about the Inter-web like it's a bad habit.

It is.

I should just get out of here for the day and take the kom-pu-ter homo so I can pretend to do work.

and it was just yesterday that I have the epiphany that I can be in control of my relationship to work and stress. I can run/ride/swim over great distances, I can write good stuff/make good art/knit/etc., everything is in my grasp. so why not stop being a victim and whining about work and work load and "come correct."

I just can't count on my own accountability.

4:28 p.m. 2005-06-23

tainted typing

just spent almost an hour cleaning up my keyboard... and it seems that the backspace key is delayed or not functioning up to par... maybe some dust got stuck in there?

there, that's better. removed it, blew, reattached it, and slammed it down a few times. all's well.

it's so nasty, the things that lurk under you keyboard. the grim on the keys themselves are downright pleasant compared to the dog hairs, earwax and food bits that live beneath.

to think, that I have at least another hour of cleaning. thus far, it's just the right side of my keyboard, the y's, i's, k's, and certain punctuation. I still have the entire q-w-e-r-t side and the number keypad.

if I could clean up my workload, even a quarter, I'd be feeling great.

let me know if you can tell the difference between those letters and that are still grimy.

11:00 a.m. 2005-06-20

it's no joke

well, now I have something to write. and it's not more complaining about my job.

why? 'cause they are sending me to Poland.

no gulag jokes here. I applied for the opportunity. last year they sent three people to Romania to work on a Habitat for Humanity. this year it's the birthplace of Solidarity and what they refer to in German as Danzig.

so, I guess the whining about work will have to cease for a while. I am grateful for the opportunity. too bad I'd rather go research Polish stuff than write e-newsletters.

11:21 a.m. 2005-06-16

moanday

you get yourself all kinds of organized for the week ahead on Friday only to watch one reminder after another get bumped/snoozed/dismissed, the chunks of time booked for various projects magically evaporate and all you're left with is a headache and that same ol' feeling of being overwhelmed.

I don't care how many freaking appointments I put on my calendar, if it's for my own benefit or doesn't involve other people, they don't happen. in one case, I just unknowingly skipped a meeting today. it's more like a serving suggestion than an actual list of items to done.

I react to stress with a rage or a quitter's mentality. everything is impossible or a failure. no future relief. resistance to asking for help because it will just make things worse, or reveal that I'm inept.

why can't we leave the day with a smile on our face, confident in our accomplishments and an excitement about our free time instead of a broken spirit, a deluge of pending deadlines and belated to-do's and guilt about not spending more time in the office?

5:19 p.m. 2005-06-13

desparate times call for muscials

Maybe I didn't have the appreciation in my younger years. Youth makes one judgemental and presumptive. While I considered myself a connoiseur, I didn't expect this particular medium to impact me. Sure I enjoyed it, but I never thought I would sink to such depths.

I'm inspired by RENT. I saw the trailer yesterday and have since busted out my theater book (history and libretto) and rocked it on iTunes. I'm hoping RENT will change my life. Or, at least, kick me in the ass to change it myself.

It was a ground-breaking show, won Tony's and a Pulitzer, blah, blah, blah. And shows like Hedwig are a smidge grittier, but Broadway has never been a source of philosophy or life guidance for me personally. I always felt I was too punk rock to be influenced by such mainstream and out-of-date conventions. Until yesterday.

It could be due to two of my favorite people announcing their departure from work. One for business school and a new condo she's purchased in Seattle with her fiance; the other for health reasons and generally being fed-up with the state of affairs in her department.

It could also be because of a rumored announcement to happen at the company meeting on Thursday that sabbaticals are being done away with or shortened. As I round out my fifth year here, I'm in the homestretch for mine, if two years can be called such a thing. It's certainly more perks than passion that keep me here anyway. Beyond my promised 3+ month break, not much more is on my own career horizon.

I need to do something. Start something. Choose a long- (or just longer-) term destination for myself.

Quote your favorite line here:

Oh, and I still got to pay the mortgage.

10:15 a.m. 2005-06-07

today's words

I've exhausted all of my blog reading, so I shoud be a tad more productive in my time wasting by writing.

so much for the daily dabble into diaryland and exercise this month. one day at a time? I guess that's all I'm capable of. and I fail on most days.

please excuse that last sentence. I'm not that dark right now. work just isn't fun. not that I'm helping matters.

I think I should eat lunch.

1:34 p.m. 2005-06-06

vroom, vroom

I was going to cut and paste from an email thread where my synchro teammates were plotting a revolution to end our free routine one song earlier than the coach wants. It's not that compelling.

But it's a new month, and, I reckon, I should write about something. Whining about work isn't compelling. The 10 Ways to Manage Stress list I just put up bores me. That only leaves me my car.

First, I need a smog check. My registration was due earlier in May and has been paid. However, my little stickers won't arrive until after I get my car smog certified. Maybe today?

Next, I need an allignment. Why? you ask. Because someone chose to annonymously hit me overnight while my car was parked in front of our old place. Of course, this was discovered first thing on my Friday off that I had hoped to spend packing. So, I've driven almost 200 miles on it. Tires weren't wearing down when I had minor service. Which doesn't include allignment, fiy.

Thirdly, I need to get body work to repair my driver side front fender and wheel well panel that was crushed in the aforementioned accident. It's a mere $900 of which none is covered by my insurance, which I so smartly reduced to just comprehensive once I owned the car. I'm still coming out ahead financially (barely) by not having paid the premium for collision all that time. Another fyi: uninsured motorist insurance only works when you have the identity of said uninsured driver. That'll happen.

So, I'm the new owner in the garage at our building with the dirtiest and cheapest car. The little black Honda hatchback with the jacked driver's side. Wanna park next to me?

12:57 p.m. 2005-06-01

past - future