at the threshold

two in one day? it's a record, no?

sitting at home, waiting for C to arrive so we can rush off to B's to watch video from the Atlanta meet. I should be prepping some lovely Caprese salad action, but typing to you felt so much more relaxing.

to the point of this, I feel fat. there are plenty of other things going on, like work procrastination and productivitiy issues, artistic desires and lazy boy actions, external and internal stress, but my body, being the vehicle from which I navigate my life's waters, is at the core of my malaise.

I haven't been working out regularly since April. and that's fine. at the end of the three month sushi challenge, I felt pretty good, had dropped a few pounds and was living very naturally within my corps. (no, e. it's French.)

soon after, there was the house buying and the synchro and the injuries and the hours of working late. not good for keeping a regular schedule. this all needs to change. I'm staring at the door through which I can create some more comfort and breathe fresh air into my life, all I have to do is walk through it.

I wish someone would push me.

7:41 p.m. 2005-07-27

treading water

do I call it a failure if I didn't seize the day and do something on my goal list?

I feel like lots got done work-wise, however, the fact that I just spent the past hour or so surfing in lieu of running (outside or treadmill!) makes me think that I a self-sabotager extraodinaire.

I'm going to organize piles of paper and make up appointments to fill up my day tomorrow. hopefully, I'll be ready for that meeting.

6:28 p.m. 2005-07-27

welcome back

already back a day and the headache has returned. all the stuff that I hoped to have happened didn't. so more waiting.

a little conversation with the plant lady just make me smile.

I just want to feel in control.

FYI, the event was fine, the swimming was great, and I did enjoy not being here.

10:24 a.m. 2005-07-27

synchronized f(l)ailing

total suckfest last night, and, no, I'm not talking of the porn variety. it was our synchro watershow. for the rest of the swim team, family and friends. a great turnout. a shitty performance.

it's one week out from our competition in Atlanta and it should have been a shining moment. our first performance in the City and the first chance for those who don't travel to the annual IGLA meets to see what's been eating up entire weekends and three hours on Wednesday evenings.

what better evening to have a panic attack? I more than sucked. I had a little injury two weeks ago, but it has been a shitty attitude that's kept me out of the water. I let myself get psyched out by my perceived lack of progress. also, this year I'm doing a duet in addition to the trio and team swims, for a total of six swims. I'm just not tough enough for it.

my duet became a solo for one routine, my trio a duet. for the final team routine, there were seven swimmers instead of the eight. I got in for two crucial moments, but it was very obvious to the crowds that there was one guy hanging in the gutter.

fittingly, I ran off and showered and dressed, missing the team posing for newspaper photos. fuck my adoring public. I don't want their sympathy or their support. I hate being the one who sucked on the team. I was the weakest link.

I don't want to show my face to the rest of the team. once upon a time I was a big rallying force, even appointed captain for my prowess at getting the team together to drill. now who can't remember his routines?

I'm ready to cut this from my life. I don't need to constantly beat myself up and feel like a failure. I create enough opportunities for that in my professional life. I don't need it during my leisure time, too.

my only fear is that synchro has been my social life for the past two years. will my closest friends be so close if I'm not with them, going through the same experiences? will they have time for me? why do I keep choosing activities that have an incredibly high standard and time requirement? why can't I just find the fun and accept myself as flawed, so very flawed, and human?

8:45 a.m. 2005-07-14

digital alchemy

I'm so close I can taste it. it's been almost two weeks and I'm nearing the end.

it's been bumpy along the way, I thought my computer was dying or overheating, resulting in my having to emails files from work to home. a more recent setback has been confusion around location and an unintended deletion that will require I go back and repeat some of the work.

for all of the convenience it's supposed to provide, setting up my ipod and ripping all of my CDs is a pain in my but

9:11 a.m. 2005-07-12

pull over

did you know that you can get pulled over for not having current registration?

did you know that it's a $25 ticket in California for not having your stickers put on the car right away?

did you know that because I had the stickers in my glove compartment (old one expired in May 05) and my license is valid (per my word, because it was taking the radio too long to respond to Mr. Motorcycle Policeman) that the nice cop just made me put the sticker on then and there on Market Street?

did you know that cops have an odd sense of humor?

Officer: What do you do for a living?
Me: I, uh, work in Berkeley, at Ca-a-l--
Officer: (interrupting) You're supposed to say it's none of my business.
Me: Oh, thank you, sir.
Officer: Have a nice day.

did you know that just yesterday my star twin, knitting guru and synchro trio mate was pulled over just yesterday for the same thing? On the Bay Bridge?

unfortunately, she got a fix-it ticket and I just had an odd verbal exchange/power trip.

9:36 a.m. 2005-07-08

dump

thank goodness this opens, but now I don't know where to begin.

London. no need to say more. it kind of makes everything else I wanted to write about seem petty.

last night was a particularly hard swim practice. mentally, I was not there. I arrive late, as usual, and very stressed out from work, as usual. I barely swam at all. my air was all messed up and my eggbeater non-existant.

I'm still hurting from a hip flexor or psoas injury incurred on Saturday. double ballet legs out to a straddle doesn't feel so good. I limp at time.

the work b, to the l, to the o to the g is up. woo woo. It's gotten me inspired to buy my own domain and do a little typepad consolidation. as if I needed another distraction...

today was the last day in the office for none other than the fabulous Ms. HS. My hair is spiked up in the back, as a tribute to her early days here and my underwear is too tight. if only I could learn her comfort and confidence within my own body.

work keeps piling up. time to shovel.

4:20 p.m. 2005-07-07

past - future